Peace

As is often the case, last night I had trouble getting to sleep.  My mind waltzed from one idea to the next, two-stepping through subjects; blissfully unaware of the growing headache its metaphorical pounding feet were sketching across my tired brain.  I eventually decided, now might be a good time to pray.  And so, in my muddled sleep-deprived mind, I said these words: "Lord, please grant me Your peace . . ."  Yes, my prayer kind of trailed off like that, as the Lord and I both paused to stare at each other.  And then I burst into tears.  Quiet tears of course, one doesn't want to wake one's sleeping husband.


The moments when I feel closest to the Lord are always filled with a LOT of salt water. (This is true because not only do I cry like a weenie when I seek out God, I also feel very close to Him when I visit the ocean. I love the ocean.) I don't know why it always happens to me.  Perhaps I am filled to the brim with emotions, and they only become manifest when God shows up and forces me to be human.  Maybe I just don't know how to act in front of such a BIG God, so I just cry.  I might be so filled with the awareness of my failings that I am overcome with despair.  There is also the possibility that I see who I really am in that moment and it shames me. Whatever the reason, I cry every time I speak with God. (And when I say "speak" you must understand that I'm not actually hearing God's voice or seeing Him.  If I saw Him, I'd be dead. It is more a feeling of someone listening, though that isn't right either. I can't really explain it. Sorry.  You'll just have to figure that part out on your own.)

And as I laid there, salt water making tracks down my cheeks; I got a little peeved.  It was the word 'peace' that did it.  What in the world does that mean?  I became angry because I do not believe I have ever felt 'peace'.  I have felt joy, happiness, and contentment. I have been angry, afraid, and jealous. I know what it means to love and to be loved.  But peace? What is that?  Have you ever heard another Christian giving their testimony and heard the phrase, "...peace like I've never felt just filled me", and felt sad because you had no idea what they were talking about? You are not alone.  I know what peace is, I know how to use a dictionary, but I have never felt what these people are talking about feeling.  I have never prayed for peace and received it immediatly.  I have not stood behind the curtain and felt peace wash over me the moment before I took the stage.  When I pray, really pray; I am reduced to tears.  It is not fair.  (And don't say "life isn't fair." You don't tell a drowning person "life is not fair"; they'll drag you in with them to prove your stupid statement correct.)  These were my thoughts as I shouted at God, (in my mind of course, but I don't know that it makes a difference to Him), and ordered Him to explain Himself.  Why had I never felt His peace? He answered by putting me to sleep so that I could function the next morning...

Like a good student, I spent the next morning trying to figure out what this 'peace' thing was all bout.  I found three passages of Scripture that were both interesting and frustrating.

John 14:26-27

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

(Jesus to His disciples)

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

(Paul to the church in Rome)

Philippians 4:6-7

... do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

(Paul to the church at Philippi)

 As you can see (if you have read my previous blog posts), I've found my way back to Philippians 4.  When I first read this verse, I was focused on the importance of prayer.  Now, it was the second verse (actually the 7th) that stuck with me: the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding... Well isn't that peachy! Surpasses all understanding!?! Well no wonder I don't understand.  It surpasses that.  How very frustrating.  Sometimes I think God enjoys messing with me... But in a kind, Fatherly way.

These three passages have several things in common.  First, of course, they all mention the peace of God. Secondly, they direct you to the Holy Spirit, as a helper, sent by God to help you understand His teachings.  Lastly, these passages encourage us, (or order us), not to be afraid.  I believe that fear is at the crux of all my problems.  And I believe that the Lord led me to these verses for a reason.  He is telling me, "Don't be afraid, pray; talk to ME, and talk to MY Helper and MY Son.  WE are here for you, but you, Nuka Jane, have to put forth the effort. If you want MY peace, than you must seek ME first. You have not experienced that soul-filling feeling because you have been searching for worldly peace. But, not as the world gives do I give to you, but MY peace I give to you." Yup, I just got told.

Oh and P.S.

 

My husband's papa just celebrated his 50-somthing birthday.  Happy Birthday Rick! You are a blessing to my life and I very much appreciate the awesome father-in-law I got.  You totally make up for the missing father of my youth. :)