Tough Times

I am going through one of the hardest times in my life.  It has gotten to the point where I often find myself curled up in a ball, in tears, with no idea how I got there or what sparked the sadness... Suffice it to say, things are tough.

I am overwhelmed with life's struggles.  It would be fine if it was just my problems I have to deal with, but no.  Not only my worries of ever looming college loans, but that of my husband's, our worries as a couple, and all the different stresses put on me by my family.  Especially with the holidays coming. I have no time for anything and yet I often find myself sitting around twiddling my thumbs.  I can't seem to get motivated to do what must be done, and yet at the same time I don't know what needs to be done.  My life is chaos at the moment.  This has caused all sorts of struggles in my marriage.  My husband and I are often unintentionally short with each other, sometimes getting into actually fights over whether or not he edited a picture for me or not.  We are both stressed about money and both feeling guilty that we haven't solved the problem yet.

(I'm sure for most people who read this, I am making little to no sense.  That's OK, some will understand, and for those that don't; oh well. I just need to get it out).

And to top it off, I'm going through a spiritual dry spell.  You know, when you feel like God just doesn't care and isn't listening.  I've been struggling with that issue for quite a while now.  Is He listening? Is He saying something and I just can't hear Him? What if I can't hear Him?? Oh my God, what if I can't hear You and You are trying to speak to me??? What do I do? These are just a few of my many scattered and desperate thoughts that add to the cacophony that is my mind.  And yet I know that the Lord loves me and does care. It's just hard to believe it when my life feels like a roller coaster ride with no brakes and a broken track.  As I was desperately searching God's word for some meaning to my chaotic and stress filled life, I stumbled upon Philippians chapter 4. (Stumbled is really a turn of phrase because I actually was sitting there and remembered I had read something in Philippians 4 a while back and had found it helpful so maybe I should go back and read it again...) Philippians 4: 4-9 (Paul talking to the church in Philippi)

Rejoice in the Lord; again I say, Rejoice.

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about such things.

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me -- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Literally all I can do right now is pray and pray and read Scripture and ask others to pray and pray some more and love my husband and then pray.  And maybe that's just where God wants me to be.

Oh and P.S.

I find that when I'm down in the dumps music has a beautiful way of lifting my back up.  I find it hard to thank God in my prayers, because I am so full of sadness, but through music; I find it a simple thing to raise my voice in song and truly praise this wonderful God who saw fit to make this world and place me in it.  Our church in Bend (Antioch) had a music night last Sunday and it was wonderful.  But not because of the people, though the church body of Antioch is full of great people.  It was wonderful because I was finally able to let go of myself; to listen to the music and open my arms (literally) and heart (figuratively) and really mean the words I sang.  Which were (in bold are the words that were particularly impact-full to me):

You are good, You are good

when there's nothing good in me.

You are love, You are love

on display for all to see.

You are light, You are light

when the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin.

You are peace, You are peace

when my fear is crippling

You are true, Your are true

even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy

You're the reason that I sing

You are life, You are lif

in You death has lost its sting.

And Oh, I'm running to Your arms

I'm running to Your arms

the riches of Your love

will always be enough

nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign.

You are more, You are more

than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord

all creation will proclaim

You are here, You are here

in Your presence I'm made whole

You are God, You are God

of all else I'm letting goooooooooo.

my heart will sing

no other name

Jesus, Jesus

As you can see, all of the words are in bold. :)